Dear Staff

Welcome back to the office after the long year-end holiday break of 2003.

Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2004.

ATTIRE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.If
we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do
not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that

they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as
you are an employee here, you need all your organs.You should not
consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for
your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day,
THE MANAGEMENT